This is strange.
I’m stuck at work (when there is waaay too much to do at home), my brother got laid off last week (and his house closing is today), my back hurts (from addressing loads of Christmas cards last night) and I’ve got too much on my desk to do for me to spare the time for blogging this morning….
Something is right today that wasn’t right yesterday. I think it may have been something that got said in my small group bible study last night. We watched a wonderful DVD by Rob Bell that deals with the issue of not getting what we want. It really helped me grasp that all my crying out about not getting what I want (kids) is pointless. God is so good and he has something so wonderful for me out there and yet here I was, like a two year old pitching a fit, screaming to get some silly toy. The two year old doesn’t think it’s silly, it is what he wants with all his heart. He is very serious about it. But the dad knows that he has something else planned. (by the way, I’m not saying wanting kids is silly, so don’t go there)
You are probably reading this and saying “duh! didn’t you know that God is good?” well yes, but ya know how sometimes someone can say something in a certain way and all of a sudden things click? well something clicked last night.
I’m not “healed” I’m not all better. I’m not going to even think that. Cause I know me and I know I’ll go right back to screaming for the thing I wanted (and still want pretty desperately), but at least I know now what one 12 hour period of freedom feels like. Freedom from the constant, crushing heartache. Maybe one day I’ll get to the point where I can feel free 24/7.
The biggest thing I learned last night is that God isn’t witholding something from me and waiting for me to learn my lesson, he is perfectly capable of picking up my screaming, tantrum-throwing self and bodily hauling me to whatever blessing he has waiting for me. Sort of like picking up a screaming two-year-old and taking him to the good thing you have already got waiting for him around the corner.
You probably have to have seen the “kickball” episode from Nooma for any of this to make sense, but the point is this: some things are starting to make sense to me now. And I guess that’s progress.
So Merry Christmas to me! I’m making progress.
and Merry Christmas to everyone else. Your gift from me, is a less grumpy, less depressed me. Shall I put on a ribbon?