Odd. I started this blog to keep track of my inner anguish over my infertility. The Tragedy of My Childlessness.
But almost since the week I started it I’ve been doing much better.
Maybe it’s just that I’ve been so busy with Christmas and moving my brother out…. Maybe it’s that his step kids are such good “birth control” … Maybe it’s the joy of having my house and privacy back…. Maybe its all the chocolate I’ve eaten? … Maybe it’s my doubts about my ability to handle a “challenged child” (more on that another day)…. Maybe God has finally given me the peace I’ve been begging for…. Maybe its a bunch of things.
But for today and the last couple of weeks, I’ve been……….. alright.
No crippling sadness. No wracking guilt about the two perfect little embryos that didn’t “stick.” No wistful gazing at every small child that walks past. I can’t even work up the almost obsessive desire and energy that it takes to get back to working on the adoption applications. I still want kids, but it’s not an all consuming drive.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. How could I possibly complain about the fact that I breathe a little bit easier these days? But I do think it is strange. Was Christmas just that hard on me? or was it the shock of my co-worker turning up with an unplanned pregnancy? Why was I so completely overwhelmed for a few weeks? will it happen again?
Don’t know. But clearly these dark tunnel things do have exits and I’ve found one. However temporary it may prove to be, at least I’m out in the sunshine for today. yea.
No picnics today though, as it’s 18 degrees outside.