this is just weird

Okay. So I’m infertile. Alright God. Fine. You have another plan for me and my darling hubby. We’ll adopt. We’ll work with the youth group. We’ll get in shape and have time for more Bible study.

It’s fine. Really.

But WHY. Why God did you have to make/let THREE couples in my immediate circle get pregnant? and ALL three of them are on roughly the schedule I would have been on if my last IVF had “taken” !!!!!! 17, 18 and 21 weeks.

To say I’m angry with you God would be an exaggeration. I know there is a plan. I know it is all for good. But I am …..what’s a good word here?…..irritated.

Yup that’s it. I’m irritated. Was this torture necessary? Am I supposed to be learning something from having endless joyful updates on the development of these three pregnancies? What about the endless discussions that ensue in my office full of advice-giving women?

Do you have a baby out there for me that is only 18 weeks along? and I’m getting to vicariously participate a little bit in the joys and fun of these three couples so that when my baby arrives in my life I will know a tiny little bit of what it might have been like to bear her myself?

Wouldn’t that be cool? Weird, but cool.

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2 thoughts on “this is just weird

  1. I’m sorry 😦

    My MIL had a trisomy – 18? 17? Anyway. She had 4 miscarriages after Walker was born. And what I think makes it even sadder is that she was on base at the time, in the Navy. So all the men would come in, and all the women would get pregnant. Then all the men would ship out, and she would lose her baby, and have to watch all her friends grow bigger and go to their baby showers and then have their babies at the time when hers would have been due.

    It just sucks.

    It’s actually okay. I’m learning to find good in it. Like I said in my post: maybe I’m supposed to be enjoying the daily updates from my friends so that I can know a tiny little bit about what it might have been like. See, I’ve never been this close to someone on a daily basis throughout the whole pregnancy. So this is a unique experience for me.

    Like

  2. Please just take care of yourself – your candidness is refreshing – people who have not experienced infertility cannot fully comprehend the pain – there may be days where you don’t want to see your friends or hear about their ultrasounds – that is okay. I have tackled this issue a couple of times on my blog – one post is called facing the giants and one is called something in the water. We have moved to adoption and we are excited but there is still a death I am mourning and periods where I ask God “why?” – hang in there and cling to God.

    Peace

    Like

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