For those who don’t know, I started this blog so I could work through my feelings and thoughts about my infertility. So if you’ve been enjoying the recipes and fun stuff, great. I’ll get back to that in a bit, but for today I’m working through something and I want the help of my Christian friends.
so here goes with the TMI
Martin and I have been going through a Bible study that dealt last night with the scene where God asks Abraham to sacrifice his only son Isaac. Abraham passes the test. He climbs the mountain, puts the boy on the altar (not without a struggle) and obeys God. But God stops him just before the knife comes down. (Genesis 22 if you are interested)
The study leader talked about how we have to be able to trust God with everything nearest and dearest to us. Also she talked a LOT about how we, in this modern world, have limited our expectation of God to the “probable” instead of really trying to grasp that God is limitless.
He Can Do Anything
So if I really want to believe that God is limitless, that means He CAN overcome my barrenness, my infertility. Or He may have other plans for me, but the point here is that I am SUPPOSED to trust Him with this. Yes even this.
Well, we’ve been through IVF etc and now that we are done with that, the doctors have declared that it is all but impossible for me to have children of my own body. Oh and by the way, I needed to go back on the pill to keep all the endometriomas from coming back etc, etc, etc…
Now God can overcome even the pill, I know that. But here is what I’m struggling with:
Should I, as a tangible evidence of my commitment to give my internal organs and my future up to God’s control, just go off birth control?
I know I’ll be setting myself up for a cycle of hope and disappointment, physical pain and possibly another surgery if the endometriosis comes back, but what if the test for this control-freak heart of mine is learning to just give it up to God?
What if that is the test that I’ve been failing? What if that’s what I’m supposed to be learning in life; how to bend my knee to my Creator God and say “whatever you want Lord” and MEAN IT.
Feedback is welcome as I am struggling with this. My mind is not made up, but this is the direction my heart keeps prompting me.