crises of the mind….soul?…..heart?……liver?…..ovaries?

For those who don’t know, I started this blog so I could work through my feelings and thoughts about my infertility. So if you’ve been enjoying the recipes and fun stuff, great. I’ll get back to that in a bit, but for today I’m working through something and I want the help of my Christian friends.

so here goes with the TMI

Martin and I have been going through a Bible study that dealt last night with the scene where God asks Abraham to sacrifice his only son Isaac. Abraham passes the test. He climbs the mountain, puts the boy on the altar (not without a struggle) and obeys God. But God stops him just before the knife comes down. (Genesis 22 if you are interested)

The study leader talked about how we have to be able to trust God with everything nearest and dearest to us. Also she talked a LOT about how we, in this modern world, have limited our expectation of God to the “probable” instead of really trying to grasp that God is limitless.

He Can Do Anything

So if I really want to believe that God is limitless, that means He CAN overcome my barrenness, my infertility. Or He may have other plans for me, but the point here is that I am SUPPOSED to trust Him with this. Yes even this.

Well, we’ve been through IVF etc and now that we are done with that, the doctors have declared that it is all but impossible for me to have children of my own body. Oh and by the way, I needed to go back on the pill to keep all the endometriomas from coming back etc, etc, etc…

Now God can overcome even the pill, I know that. But here is what I’m struggling with:

Should I, as a tangible evidence of my commitment to give my internal organs and my future up to God’s control, just go off birth control?

I know I’ll be setting myself up for a cycle of hope and disappointment, physical pain and possibly another surgery if the endometriosis comes back, but what if the test for this control-freak heart of mine is learning to just give it up to God?

What if that is the test that I’ve been failing? What if that’s what I’m supposed to be learning in life; how to bend my knee to my Creator God and say “whatever you want Lord” and MEAN IT.

Feedback is welcome as I am struggling with this. My mind is not made up, but this is the direction my heart keeps prompting me.

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3 thoughts on “crises of the mind….soul?…..heart?……liver?…..ovaries?

  1. Wow. What a question. What a test of faith!

    One of the women in our church was told many years ago that she could never have children. (I’m not sure what all she and her husband tried, but they were childless for many years.) They currently have 9 kids, and she finally got her tubes tied. I’m not sure what her diagnosed problem was; but God overcame whatever it was.

    Another woman in our church suffered from infertility for years, caused by endometriosis. Sixteen years ago, she and her husband decided to adopt, and she finally got pregnant, so they stopped the adoption proceedings. She miscarried. Six months later, she got pregnant again. They now have 5 children. Sometimes pregnancy can stop endometriosis.

    Before the nation of Israel got to the Promised Land, God told them that if they obeyed Him, then they would not suffer from infertility or have miscarriages. It is possible that that was just “Divine Fiat” but it may have had something to do with the natural health aspects of the nutritional law. I would suggest going on the Jewish diet and seeing what happens. It’s certainly not an unhealthy thing to eat natural, whole foods and be primarily vegetarian.

    Also, there is naprotechnology.com, which a friend of mine suggested to me for “natural family planning”; and they have a section on infertility, and working with your body to figure out why you can’t have children and what can be done about it. They may be able to help.

    Medications are a delicate subject. I believe that God gave us brains for a reason, and allowed humans to advance in the medical field for a reason. So I definitely don’t think that medicine is a tool of the devil. 🙂 But God is The Great Physician, and He can take care of you.

    As you work through this, talk to God through prayer, and then listen to God through His Word. I believe the Bible is all-sufficient for everything in this world….you just have to know where to look.

    It may be that God has withheld children from you for a larger purpose. Read Isaiah 54 for a beautiful passage that touches infertility. Coming on the heels of the prophecy of the crucified Christ, it begins, “Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear. Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child. For more are the children of the desolate than children of the married wife, saith the Lord.” This is of course talking about the Gentile church (the desolate) being more richly blessed than national Israel (the married wife); but there are women such as Mother Teresa who had more “children” though she was childless than any other woman. God may never give you children, but He will give you other blessings in their place. You have to be open to see where He is leading.

    Kathy
    katsyfga.wordpress.com

    Thanks for the input Kathy. I’m still working through how I feel, but I’m pretty sure that I’m supposed to trust God with this. We will also be moving ahead with adoption attempts, no matter what my ovaries and womb end up doing.

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  2. I have to say I love to hear when a person gets so deep in “what to do”!! I say this with all humbleness and compassion for what you are going through!! I believe these are the times that God will show Himself so strong in your life. I am a product of infertility and going through the crossroads of crying out to God for children and the crossroads of what to do next and what about what God wants me to do! What a painful time in my life BUT what a work He did in me! I am here to tell you that God has a plan for your family! How do I know this? Because I believe what Jeremiah says about Him having a hope and a future for me. I believe that the desire of being a Mom is from God. It may not come the way we imagined or dreamed but I promise if you can release it to God, He has more for you than you could ever imagine. I say this because of my testimony! As far as what the doctor is telling you to do….. My advice is to do whatever brings you peace. That is where God is. I believe that He gives doctors wisdom for our health but just go where the peace of God is. If you are confused then take time to ask God what to do. He will give you the peace in what direction to take. I wholeheartedly believe He closed my womb for a specific purpose during those years the doctors said I was infertile. It made no sense to me but now after adopting 6 children who had no Mom and Dad and birthing two, I now understand what He was doing. His Will be done not mine. We now have been blessed by adoption and birth and I have to say that both are miracles! Nobody could have told me to adopt during my time of infertily pain. I had to go through a process. A process that only God could take me through not the “world”. I am always available for you! Allow God to lead you through this and believe He is not against you, He is for you and the desires of your heart! And don’t be surprised if during this time EVERYBODY around you is pregnant!!!!! Just laugh through it!! (Ok you can cry too!!)

    Yup. there are FOUR women in my immediate circle who are pregnant on the exact same time frame that I would have been if my last IVF had “stuck”

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  3. Wow, I’ve so been there…like, everyday. And I was just thinking about this very topic the other day, because, as you know, we have similar medical problems. The question -always- comes down to do I “leave the door open” for God to work a miracle in my barrenness as a sign of my faith? Do I “close the door” by dealing with my health issues either through medication or through h*sterectomy? But in either case I realize that I’m still presuming that -I- have some measure of control over the situation. That God somehow needs my cooperation, and that’s just prideful, I think.

    In my best frame of mind I realize that, while childbearing and children are a gift from God, one that some of us are not given, there is a gift that we were ALL given – the gift of life. Some of us are blessed through bearing life in bearing children, but ALL of us are blessed through bearing the life that God gave us and through sharing Life with others. There are so many avenues through which we can experience the blessings of life.

    Now, endometriosis and pain. Those are our particular thorns in our sides. When I look at the life I’ve been given, and I think about the work that God has given me to do in this life, I have to consider how the chronic pain and the illness slows me down and serves as an obstacle to my getting out in the world and doing all I can do for His kingdom. So I do what I can to keep the pain at bay, because I believe very strongly that, in my life (your mileage may vary), His miracle will not be to heal the barrenness of my womb, but the barrenness of my heart.

    Trish, you have “children of the heart” look at what you have done for me over the years. I may not have always listened, but you did have a Godly effect on me. I could never look at you as having a barren heart. Even though I know what you mean, it just doesn’t seem to ME to be an appropriate word for you.

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