the last page of the book

Ever been reading along in a book and gotten so frustrated with the struggles that the hero/heroine is going through that you feel an almost overwhelming desire to turn to the last page and see how it all turns out?

I guess that is kinda of how I’ve been feeling about my life and infertility. Please God, show me what WILL happen. Show me how it all turns out so I can stop feeling apprehensive.

but isn’t that apprehension a type of failure to trust in God’s goodness?

a friend sent me this post by a woman who has lost three babies and she used the book analogy very well.

http://badgersontheloose.com/2008/02/01/manna/#comment-1244

If I believe God is really a God with GOOD intentions towards me and my life then I should be able to just continue to read the pages and chapters in the order they appear and trust that everything will be alright.

I’ve gotten much better about the trusting part.

The weird part for me is how to factor the adoption process into that trust. The whole application process is SO active and pushing. It feels like I’m trying to force God to include a child in my life.  Almost as if I’m saying “See God. I can fill out all this paperwork and give these people money and I will HAVE a baby and you will just have to deal with it!”

It doesn’t mesh with the “trust God and see what HAPPENS” mindset. It doesn’t feel like I’m REALLY waiting on God.

anybody have any thoughts on this?

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4 thoughts on “the last page of the book

  1. I hear what you’re saying, and agree it’s difficult.

    I don’t believe that adoption in and of itself is wrong–far from it! In order to adopt, you must take steps, so I don’t believe that this is wrong either.

    However, if you don’t have peace in your spirit, then now might not be the right time; or the steps you are taking (the particular lawyer or adoption agency or whatever) might not be the best for you.

    In thinking of this answer, the first verse that came into my mind was “And you will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way, walk ye in it.'” (I had to look it up–it’s Isaiah 30:21.)

    Sometimes we can want the right thing for the wrong reason. It’s not wrong to want to have children–in fact, I believe that it’s normal. But are you “worshiping and serving the creation rather than the Creator”? Are you wanting a baby “that you may consume it on your own lusts”? Or are you wanting a baby so that you can raise him or her to the glory of God?

    These are questions only you can answer, but it seems to me that if you don’t have a clear path in front of you, then God might be saying “wait.” It may be that you are forcing this; and if so, then you may be going down a dead-end road. Some of the things that came into my mind are that you could pursue this and if God is not in it, then you might lose a lot of money, and gain only frustration.

    God may have something else for you that is far better than what you’re considering and hoping for–often that is the way He works. A friend of mine had this. She and her husband considered working with an adoption agency, but decided against “open adoptions” which is the only kind of adoptions this agency did. (They had picked the agency because a friend of a friend worked there or ran it or something.) They then became foster parents, for a few years. Then one day they got a call from the person at the adoption agency saying that they had a woman who was giving birth by C-section the next day, and wanted a closed adoption, and would they be interested in this baby?

    This couple had stopped praying for a baby when they decided not to pursue adoption, but it was like Zachariah and Elisabeth–the prayers were answered years after they had ceased to pray.

    “In a multitude of counselors, there is safety,” so please get many opinions, and search the Scriptures for answers. It might be that there is something in your life that needs to change, so that you can be better parents of your future child. There may be something in your future (like a sudden and unexpected move) that will be much easier without a child.

    My counsel is, if you’re not at peace, wait until you get peace. If you are at peace, then trust that God has opened this door for you to walk through. Just because He miraculously opened the door for my friend doesn’t mean He will with you–most adoptions are not “out of the blue” like that. Trust God and pray for peace.

    Kathy

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  2. Kathy has some incredible points that I think are worth considering. And she may be on to something.

    But, there is something else to consider. You don’t get into college by waiting for them to come to you.

    Not the greatest analogy, but. I am just inserting a little logic into this.

    You don’t even get pregnant the easy way by just wishing it. You have to actually get nekked. Kwim?

    Deirdre, God is still sovereign over all. No matter what you do or don’t do. You may find a baby in as basket on your front porch tomorrow, if he ordained it. You may get pregnant tomorrow, if he ordained it. Or you may fill out some paperwork and get a baby in a few months, if he ordained it. It’s already written out. If you let him lead you, YOU CANNOT SCREW THIS UP. Like, you don’t even have the power to.

    Maybe you should table the paperwork for a week or so, and just pray some more. I will too. You can even ask God for a sense of direction by a certain date. He’s ok with that.

    xoxoxo

    I think I am adjusting to the idea of the paper work as “making our selves available for this option if God wants to go there” Missy you are right: if you don’t have sex, you can’t blame God for not giving you a baby. So if I don’t fill out the paperwork, the avenue of adoption won’t really be open to me. Yes, God *could* drop someone into our lives who wants to just give us a child, but waiting around for it without doing any ground work is kinda like sitting around and praying for a second immaculate conception. sort of egotistical.
    So we go ahead with the paperwork and then we wait and see.

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  3. Good points from all of your readers. As an infertile and adoptive mama, I definitely understand your perspective and have “been there, done that!” 🙂

    Even though we can fill out paperwork and pay application fees, that still doesn’t guarantee a baby. God is still in control.

    On another note—one book that seemed to help me on an emotional level as I waited to be “matched” in an adoption, was to read “Adopting after Infertility” by Patricia Irwin Johnson (or maybe it is Johnston). It is awesome at going through all of the emotions that are involved in building a family after going thru infertility!! It is a “heavy” book, I had to pause during certain chapters, but please do check it out!

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