a stab in the gut

okay, here we go again.

Yet another, unmarried lady in my office has just announced that she is pregnant.

I’ve lost track of how many that is now.

I’m not as upset by it this time. Because I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be actually pregnant. I just want children.

Watching my other co-workers deal with the daily trials and tribulation of pregnancy itself has sort of cured me of the “rose-colored-glasses” view of pregnancy that I used to have. See I’ve never been in this kind of close day-to-day contact with a pregnant woman before. I’ve known plenty of people who were pregnant, but never had daily contact with them. It makes a huge difference.

If I had ever gotten pregnant I would be thrilled. But I didn’t and I’m learning to find joy in the idea that My ribs will never be kicked unmercifully by a small being that I can’t argue with. My hips will never be broken by a 10 pound baby being delivered the old fashioned way. My bladder will stay where it is thankyouverymuch.

In short, though my throat aches at the thought, yes. She is pregnant and here I sit. ………Waiting to hear good news from an adoption agency.

oh well. at least Prince Caspian comes out this week.

*****for the record. I should never have referred to this lovely co-worker as “another unmarried woman” it was wrong of me to categorize her. the hurt was real, but I should have found another way of expressing it. my apologies to anyone who this term offended. Now that I know the lady in question just a tiny bit better…my own comment offends ME!*********

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3 thoughts on “a stab in the gut

  1. After I miscarried, I couldn’t even look at a pregnant woman without crying. My women’s group was ministering at the local home for unwed mothers, and I had to quit going. I just couldn’t deal with it.

    I know it was the depression talking, but I just knew that I was scum and that’s why I couldn’t get pregnant — and then I was pregnant. God had validated my existance. And then I lost the baby. Talk about a roller coaster. What I came to realize (or perhaps convince myself of) especially after I got pregnant with Tom was that the first pregnancy was in a way a gift — sort of a “yes, you will be a mom” — or “yes you will make a good mom” Just.Not.Right.Now. Be content and wait.

    I don’t do “Be Content and Wait” very well. Still don’t.

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  2. I wrote a similar blog the other day… went to a party on Sat and it seemed like every woman but me is pregnant… I am hopeful for you – I have a friend who is in the same “waiting pattern” regarding adoption. We talk about the frustration of waiting, and the joy of know regardless of how you become a mom – you will in deed one day be a mom and isn’t that a wonderful thing. The best I can offer is that you are not alone, hang in there… I hope you find peace and joy!

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  3. I have had a dear blogging friend for awhile now who has also been through the mill with infertility.
    Her name is Char and her blog address is http://babeless.blogspot.com/
    She is now in the process of adoption and is overwhelmed with joy, but she has been through some very dark times.
    If you have a chance to read through some of her archived things, I trust you’ll find another friend who understands you.

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