everybody grieves differently

This is one of those things that shouldn’t need to be said, but then again, maybe it does need to get said every once in a long while.

“everyone is different”

I really appreciated all the helpful, sweet, sensitive things that have been posted here in the last few days. The comfort you guys have offered is treasured. But lets all face something rather basic here: you are only reading what I choose to post. You don’t really know me and for anyone to tell me that I need to stop an adoption proceeding because they (my reader) doesn’t feel I’ve “dealt adequately with my grief” is presumptuous and inappropriate.

No I’m not going to to tell you who said it, that’s not your affair. But it brought up something for me that I really wanted to say;

Let’s all try to remember that we don’t really know each other deeply and that we need to all respect each other as rational beings. Give me the benefit of the doubt. You don’t have any idea how often I’ve curled up in a ball and sobbed. You don’t know if I’ve let grief run its course or bottled it up. I may be up one day and down another, or I could swing moment to moment or my “emotionally fragile” day on Friday could have been a blip in an otherwise sunny disposition. You and I don’t spend every day together. The only human being who could adequately assess my mental/emotional state is my husband. He sees me everyday, we commute together, the only time we are apart is during actual work hours.

Each person grieves differently. Each person processes their life experiences differently. Let’s give each other room to be different.

Now if I go completely off the deep end and start typing destructive thoughts or sounding dangerous to you, please go ahead and question that. But I don’t think adopting a child after just over a year from my last failed IVF really constitutes a “failure to give adequate time for grieving”

Thanks to everyone who has posted for being sensitive and kind, even if you may not agree with me. I respect that so much.

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3 thoughts on “everybody grieves differently

  1. I hope you are not talking about me. I never said to stop the process. I just want you to make sure you feel everything and process it. Someone suggested reading a book. I totally agree with her. Find a book that interests you and read it. You can look at things online and find one that seems to speak to you. I can tell you that even though I didn’t adopt because of infertility that there were times after Lily came home that I missed the nursing, the giving birth process, and other things that you miss out on by adopting. God will lead you thru this and will teach you other things as well. Don’t be mad at me if you are-I just want you to go thru the processes that are expected from adoptive parents. There are also books out there that deal with raising adoptive children. I started with the book 20 THINGS ADOPTIVE KIDS WISH THEIR ADOPTIVE PARENTS KNEW. I love you and only want the best for you.

    Janna

    J,
    I said it wasn’t anyone on this blog. Fret not sweetie. If I was mad at you you would know about it. trust me. šŸ˜‰ Besides, I’m not angry, it was just something that I felt needed to be said. I was typing it in a gentle frame of mind. Maybe it didn’t come across that way. oh well.
    I keep hearing about the “20 things” book and I think I will go find that one.

    hugs to all
    Deirdre

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  2. I hope you don’t mind me throwing in my 2 cents here. I too have been reading Angie’s blog and have been weeping and praying and I too have been feeling very fragile. Although we don’t know each other in the real world sense, I think God has given us this ability to connect, in him, for him and I think maybe you and I (and I’m sure many others) are doing just what Angie asked us to do, we are carrying a little piece of their burden, or their ache. By doing so it is drudging up things that maybe we thought we had worked through, and maybe we have, just this pain makes it raw again.

    Today found myself writing down the due dates and loss dates of my miscarraiges and ectopic. I’m not sure why I did this, maybe to make it seem more real, to connect as you say. I think maybe because my babies were’t born yet I have at times sort have blown off that pain. I know in the years we tried I ached for those babies that could have been, even before I actually was pregnant at all. I think that is just part our souls when we know more than anything that we want to be mothers. I named my little people, but I don’t usually share that because I’m afraid people might think I’m nuts!

    There are so many levels of grief. God is using the understanding we have to connect us to each other. Angie is being used to share God’s great hope and grace and through connecting with her we are being used in this great plan.

    I think God’s timing is perfect and your little one is in just the place at just the time God planned for them to be.

    I don’t mind at all. Your blog is where I found out about Angie. And I think you are right, her prayers are being answered and we are sharing her pain. I don’t know how much it takes off of her load, but it certainly loosened up the knots in me to cry a little “with” her.
    thanks for commenting. And you know you are always welcome here

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  3. It was 7 years ago this week that we had our death – our “miscarriage” – and we both cried at our loss. Like you said, people grieve differently depending on their own fortitude, support system, experience, etc. We’re not done grieving yet and probably won’t until we meet her up yonder.

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