found a new friend

I just found a new friend. Tina who posted a comment on my blog a day or two ago and I have just been having a great discussion on her blog. go read it. And promise me that you will not get upset at her. We had a difference of opinion at first, but that’s been cleared up and the discussion has been rather productive ever since.

Tina brought to my awareness something that I need to do. I need to let my blog friends know some definitions of terms so that my readers understand where I’m coming from on some stuff.

Currently there is a lot of discussion out in the blog world and in the adoption community about what to call the mother who gives birth to a baby that is then adopted.

Before the birth occurs is an especially tricky time.  She’s not a “birth-mom” yet, since she hasn’t given birth. And some people think the very term “birth-mother” is demeaning. I’ve had a number of readers be offended by my use of the term. Some people prefer “original mother” or “true mother” or even “real mother”

I’m not going to argue the uses of any of these terms, because for us they are not needed.

the mother of the child that will (hopefully) come home with us in November has ASKED us to call her the “birth-mother”

Since we are now with a different couple, I felt I should come back and add to this.  Mel and I discussed what she wants to be called.  She likes the term Birth-mother and additionally she wants Ginny to call her Mel. I suggested maybe Mama-Mel. We both agreed that Ginny will probably have ideas of her own about this.

Which sort of lays to rest any of my preferences. That’s what she wants to be called. When our child gets older he or she may express a preference for a different term and that’s okay too. It’s sort of like my mom deciding the she wants to be called “grammy” it’s just a term agreed upon by the people who are actually involved in the situation.

These kinds of things can not (or should not) be dictated by folks outside of the specific situation.

When I refer to this child that will be (hopefully) coming home with us in November as “my child” or “my baby” or when I say “We are having a baby” that is because that is how our birth-mother refers to the child. This surprised me at first, but she does refer to her baby as “your child” when she is talking to me. Not all the time, but sometimes. She and her husband are really amazing people. We love them already. she also sometimes says “our child” and we’ve talked about this. she means all four of us. So when I say “our child” I am speaking of all four of us. The birthparents and myself and Martin. We will do the majority of the raising, but we plan on getting input from them and continuing contact with them to whatever extent they are comfortable with. Also when OUR child gets old enough to have an opinion we will include their needs and wants as well.

So please, if someone reads my use of the word Our, or My, or Birth-mother, understand that I use these words with the full blessing of the woman who has chosen to give her precious child into our care.

Discussion is welcomed.

and Prayers as we all make our way through this process in the coming years are always appreciated.

One thought on “found a new friend

  1. Beautifully written. Prayers are coming your way for you and your family. As an adoptive parent, I totally ‘get’ what you are saying and where you are coming from. Bless you.


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