is there a bucket deep enough……

……..for the tears that won’t come?

We have terminated our relationship with the couple in Kansas that we were working with and whose baby we were looking forward to adopting and raising.

For any who have been through adoption, you will know the constraints that Martin and I are under as to what we can and can’t say. Especially on the internet. For those who don’t know, just trust me that there is no possible way that I can tell you even a tenth of what happened this weekend.

But the bare bones are these: Our trip to Kansas revealed that the couple (not the agent) lied to us about many small things and a couple of “biggies”

One of the things they lied about I will share with you: they never told the baby’s grandparents that they were pregnant again! It turns out that the birth father’s mother would have wanted to raise the baby. I commend her for that and I can’t believe that anyone would be so cruel as to not give her the option. This is one of the reasons that we are walking away. The very idea that we were told the extended family was supportive of the adoption and then to find out that it was a lie! We were horrified.

I feel like a fool. We trusted, even when some alarm bells were going off in my head. Everyone involved convinced me that I was just being too jumpy. Well now I know better.

There is anger, but mostly humiliation and a horrible gaping sadness. Not as bad as many have gone through in this life and I know I will feel better eventually, but for now, pain is pain and I’m adrift in it.

at the same time


We know there is a plan and that it is good. From an eternal perspective.

Philippians 4:6 & 7 says “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

so here we go.

Lord Jesus, Sovereign God, Ruler of my life. Thank you for the wonderful friends we made this weekend. Thank you for the time we spent in Oklahoma City***. Thank you for a safe journey. Thank you for guarding us from further loss. Here is my request LORD: make my life what You want it to be. Get ME out of the way and get Your hands on the crown of my life. If we are not supposed to be parents, Jesus make it blindingly obvious so that I can let go and move along the path you have laid out for me. And Lord, please make me a blessing to someone else today. I need to be used by You, I need to feel that I have a reason for being here.

thank you Lord that Your peace will get me through.

*** by the way, the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial Garden is amazing. Beautiful, peaceful, moving, informative. The designers are to be commended for creating one of the most effective and respectful memorials I’ve ever seen. Everyone who can should go see it. But I have to say, you know it’s been a bad weekend, when a garden dedicated to memorializing the victims of a bombing turns out to be the highlight of your weekend.


16 thoughts on “is there a bucket deep enough……

  1. Hi there. I just want to let you know that you are such a wonderful human being. God is here and He hears you-the true YOU! For He knows the plans that He has for you-Jeremiah 29:11. This too shall pass and then you will be at peace to continue the work of our dear Lord and Savior Christ Jesus. I am deeply sorry for your disappointment. I am still praying for you and Martin. God bless you both now and always!
    With love,

    Thanks. We are also praying for the couple. That they would get help and that they would give their extended family a chance to help them.


  2. I know that feeling all to well — forget the rug, you feel like the floor’s been jerked out from under you. It’s hard. I told hubby, I know I’m being tested, but I don’t have a clue what over, and I can’t study for it.” *sigh*

    I love you both — and I pray for you both.


    Thanks. We are taking one day at a time right now. and doing a lot of praying. We have a SEEDS album that we listen to a lot and we sang those scriptures at the top of our lungs the whole way home from the airport


  3. I am so so sorry….please call me if you want to vent!!!

    Well I’m at work today and trying to hold up my head, so talking about this on the phone would probably result in a breakdown. I’m okay typing. thanks though. It means a lot to me that people care.


  4. Dear Heart and my gift from God–I love you and I do know that He will grant you the desires of your heart. His time is perfect, always. You know I feel deeply your pain and my arms are wrapping around you right now. God is good and you will have your child. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. ” God will honor your faith in Him!



  5. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am afraid to consider adoption precisely for this reason. I don’t know if I can handle two devastating losses. (And the home study thought really intimidates me too!)

    I am praying that you will find shelter underneath God’s wings as you walk this painful road.

    Much love,

    thanks for stopping by. Adoption is not the road for everyone. And we will wait on God to show us what we are supposed to do next. If it’s adoption we will go forward in faith. Even knowing the hurt might happen again. Every day we breathe, there is the possibility of hurt. I’m sorry about what you have been through.


  6. Honey,

    I am so sorry about what you had to endure. When you were telling me about it, I also had some flags and as a mother, which you are, you must pay attention to the red flags in your head. God has given us intuition for a reason. Trust in the process and also listen to God’s still,small voice. The answers may come, not as a shout but as a whisper. As I go through my days of pain where I can’t move, literally, I ask God why and He tells me that I need to “be still and know He is God.” Please call me and we can talk about it.


    I will try. It is actually easier to type about it right now. Talking tends to make me cry. weird eh?


  7. Hi Martin and Deirdre,

    My mom filled me in on the awful situation last night and I unfortunately have been screwed over last week as well with my job situation. And one of the verses that has been key to me through the process I want to share with you.

    “Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to Guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day!” ~ II Tim 1:12.

    Yall are in my prayers and come Sunday, my church will be praying for you as well! Love yall!!

    Tons of hugs from London,

    Hey Emily,
    We love you and were very sorry to hear about your work/visa issues. Thank you for sharing your verse. One of the ones that we have been clinging to is Jer 33:3
    keep us posted on what’s happening with you, okay?


  8. Deirdre & Martin:

    I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say but that. Please know that you are in my prayers for God’s perfect will to be done in bringing your child to you.

    It is all going to be alright. God is already moving in other directions. I’m convinced of it. We just have to wait and see.


  9. Deirdre and Martin,
    My heart goes out to you both. I know we only met this last year during journey, but I know how badly you want to become parents. God knows your heart and knows your faith, and when the time is right it will happen. That said, the pain is real and it is ok to feel hurt and cheated and just plain sad- God knows how it feels to loose a child like no one else can. So take care of each other and lean on those who love you, you will need them. Please know you are in my prayers.

    thank you. I don’t know why exactly, but it helps a lot that so many people (more than I had thought) care so much about us. We have been overwhelmed by the support. And I couldn’t possibly have just met you in December, hasn’t it been years? 😉


  10. Deirdre and Martin

    I am so sorry that you will not be parents at this time. It sounds like you had a devastating experience. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    In Christ

    Susan Pajari

    Hi Susan,
    Welcome to my blog. We are convinced that God is Good and that His plan is far better than anything Martin and I could have come up with. We just have to wait and see.


  11. Deidre and Martin,

    This must be such a letdown, such a disappointment, and hard to accept; however, you have entrusted this search for a child to our heavenly Father, and therefore, you know that He is taking care of you both and will give you the good gift in His time. I want you to know that your words that you wrote and the prayer that you prayed have already been a witness to me.

    I pray that this desire deep inside of you, the yearning that you have for a child, will be met by God in a marvelous way.

    Mary McGee


  12. Our prayers are with you! God does have a plan even though we don’t understand what it is or why it seems to be taking so long!

    welcome to my blog and thanks for commenting. Martin and I know beyond doubt that God is already moving in new ways for us.


  13. Martin and Deirdre,

    I should have called you to check up. You were in my dreams Sunday and Monday night, and something was wrong. I’m shedding tears and prayers for you.

    I’ve been thinking lately about Sarah’s laugh (ever since it was in the lectionary a few weeks ago). What kind of laugh was that? Maybe you two know.

    I love you guys.


    I think I know which passage you are talking about. It was when God said “you will have a son” and Sarah overheard it and laughed. When confronted with it she said “no no. I didn’t laugh I promise”
    then when Isaac was born, she laughed for joy.

    I have had a couple of different people tell me they dreamed about us over the weekend. and even one person who dreamed about a memorial (like the OKC bombing site) and then when she read my post she was really struck by the coincidence.

    I keep saying this, but please believe me, Martin and I KNOW beyond all doubt, that God Most High has us in the palm of His hand and there is good in store for us.



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