is there a bucket deep enough……

……..for the tears that won’t come?

We have terminated our relationship with the couple in Kansas that we were working with and whose baby we were looking forward to adopting and raising.

For any who have been through adoption, you will know the constraints that Martin and I are under as to what we can and can’t say. Especially on the internet. For those who don’t know, just trust me that there is no possible way that I can tell you even a tenth of what happened this weekend.

But the bare bones are these: Our trip to Kansas revealed that the couple (not the agent) lied to us about many small things and a couple of “biggies”

One of the things they lied about I will share with you: they never told the baby’s grandparents that they were pregnant again! It turns out that the birth father’s mother would have wanted to raise the baby. I commend her for that and I can’t believe that anyone would be so cruel as to not give her the option. This is one of the reasons that we are walking away. The very idea that we were told the extended family was supportive of the adoption and then to find out that it was a lie! We were horrified.

I feel like a fool. We trusted, even when some alarm bells were going off in my head. Everyone involved convinced me that I was just being too jumpy. Well now I know better.

There is anger, but mostly humiliation and a horrible gaping sadness. Not as bad as many have gone through in this life and I know I will feel better eventually, but for now, pain is pain and I’m adrift in it.

at the same time

We KNOW that GOD IS GOOD

We know there is a plan and that it is good. From an eternal perspective.

Philippians 4:6 & 7 says “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

so here we go.

Lord Jesus, Sovereign God, Ruler of my life. Thank you for the wonderful friends we made this weekend. Thank you for the time we spent in Oklahoma City***. Thank you for a safe journey. Thank you for guarding us from further loss. Here is my request LORD: make my life what You want it to be. Get ME out of the way and get Your hands on the crown of my life. If we are not supposed to be parents, Jesus make it blindingly obvious so that I can let go and move along the path you have laid out for me. And Lord, please make me a blessing to someone else today. I need to be used by You, I need to feel that I have a reason for being here.

thank you Lord that Your peace will get me through.

*** by the way, the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial Garden is amazing. Beautiful, peaceful, moving, informative. The designers are to be commended for creating one of the most effective and respectful memorials I’ve ever seen. Everyone who can should go see it. But I have to say, you know it’s been a bad weekend, when a garden dedicated to memorializing the victims of a bombing turns out to be the highlight of your weekend.