one year

Tomorrow, December 11th, will be my one year anniversary as a blogger. Or Bloggaversary as some have put it.

Wow.

Has it been a year?

Already?

last year I was hurting. Emotionally wounded. I couldn’t go to church or wal-mart or anywhere really without experiencing agonies of longing.

Every. single. time. I saw a child. Or even a reminder of parenting. I would fall apart.

Sometimes it didn’t even take a reminder. There were times at my desk at work. While doing normal work things. With no warning whatsoever, I would just fall apart.

You see in late September of 2007 I had just found out that our final IVF attempt had failed. We had gambled everything, all our reserves on two rounds of IVF. We reasoned that for the cost of one international adoption we could have two rounds of IVF and that seemed better to us that all the potential complications of international adoption. We had already ruled out domestic adoption because we had been told that the wait would be far too long and that the process was out of our financial range.

So basically I thought we were at the end of the line.

During October and November I was sort of numb. But when December hit, my emotional state went downhill. I didn’t blame God. I just figured that we had been deemed un-suitable to raise a family so God was withholding His blessings from our endeavors. What made it worse was that it was MY BODY that had failed to accept the embryos. That twisted like a knife inside me all the time.

My emotional state was so erratic that I talked to a friend about it. She gave me some things to read and then she made another suggestion: blog.

huh?

Well, it turns out that she had been using her blog to work through her pain and it really helped her to be able to look back and see her progress.

um…..okay sure. I’ll try it.

So I started this blog. I titled it based on a state of mind that I assumed would continue forever: scream of continuousness. But something changed.

I got better. Was it blogging? nope. It was a direct result of blogging though: I had to DAILY spend time in exploring my thoughts and feelings and asking God what he wanted me to say. That changed my outlook within just a few weeks.

Have I always posted on devotional topics? Nope. Sometimes I’m frivolous and silly. Sometimes I am just working through stuff “out loud” with no real plan of where the post is going.

But mostly it has been a recognition that I have to DAILY place myself in God’s hands. Blogging has helped me with that.

I’ve made some incredible friends here. And learned at lot. In the course of this year of learning, we were matched (twice) and eventually adopted a gorgeous baby girl who is proving to me even more than this blog could, that I have to put myself DAILY right where God wants me: in HIS hands.

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4 thoughts on “one year

  1. I found your blog by doing a search on wordpress for “infertility”. I too suffer from being unable to conceive. And today I actually wrote “Sometimes at my weakest, I wonder if maybe God won’t let me have a baby because I won’t be a good enough mom. ” I didn’t realize until reading your blog that other women felt that way too.

    Hi, welcome to my blog. What you are going through is horrible. Even though I have been through some of it, I can’t say “I’ve been there” because I don’t know you exact situation. I urge you to click on the link to my friend who told me to start a blog. It is a fantastic article.

    I only thought God didn’t want me to have kids. It turns out HE wanted me to have a specific child that I could only connect with through adoption. We have been so blessed by our little girl and her birth parents and the growing relationship we have with them.

    Was the infertility phase hard on me? yes. absolutely. Was God trying to get a message across to me? YES. He was trying to teach me to rely on HIM ALONE and to trust in HIS timing.

    I can honestly say I wouldn’t change a thing.

    Adoption may not be right for you, but please consider it as an option as you heal.

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  2. We are definitely considering adoption. I have always wanted to adopt. But I still cannot release the dream of carrying a child of my own…not yet. Maybe that is what God is waiting for. Or maybe I am over analyzing things like I always do 🙂

    Your baby is beautiful and your “About” page brought tears to my eyes. May I ask what the adoption process was like for you? Actually…perhaps I should read your past blogs 🙂

    Adoption has been wonderful. It has it’s ups and downs (jut like pregnancy). Our birth couple is wonderful and we communicate just about every day. Not because we have to, but because we love them and we know they love us and Ginny and we want them to know she is thriving and loved. We have a private blog, but they actually read my public one too and have occasionally posted comments on it.

    If you don’t want to go all the way back to Last December and read the whole year, I suggest starting at the beginning of July. That’s when things got hairy with our first match and then God turned it all around.

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  3. Hello there,
    I just wanted to stop by and say thank you for not giving up! Your story truly touched me. God is a God of power but also a father and this story made me stop and thank him for my life and the life of you, your husband, and your precious child. So many times we don’t even stop to thank God for the easy birth of a child. We take for granted things the Lord gives us until something earth shattering wakes us up. Thank you for sharing. Your story is very close to my heart. My mom and dad could not have children either. They tried very hard for a long time. I can’t imagine the heartache you and my mother went through. However, I am so glad my mom did not give up and that I was given to her! I am adopted and have three other adopted siblings and find such encouragement knowing you are an adoptive parent who obviously loves your child. That child is yours! For that past couple years you were “expecting” even if your wait was longer.” Your child is going to thank you one day, just i do with my mom and dad, for never giving up on your desire to be a mother. Bless you!
    I Work for a non-profit organization called World Orphans and my desire is to serve God while serving His children. The children are abandoned and orphaned children and sometimes i get a little depressed thinking about all of those children needing love. BUT this story really encouraged me that in the face of the impossible God is possible and people like you care enough to look at all options! So thank you! Bless you

    Jenna M. Howard
    -Director of Public Relations
    http://www.Worldorphans.org
    Jennah@worldorphans.org
    http://www.JennaMarieHoward.com

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