Tomorrow, December 11th, will be my one year anniversary as a blogger. Or Bloggaversary as some have put it.
Has it been a year?
last year I was hurting. Emotionally wounded. I couldn’t go to church or wal-mart or anywhere really without experiencing agonies of longing.
Every. single. time. I saw a child. Or even a reminder of parenting. I would fall apart.
Sometimes it didn’t even take a reminder. There were times at my desk at work. While doing normal work things. With no warning whatsoever, I would just fall apart.
You see in late September of 2007 I had just found out that our final IVF attempt had failed. We had gambled everything, all our reserves on two rounds of IVF. We reasoned that for the cost of one international adoption we could have two rounds of IVF and that seemed better to us that all the potential complications of international adoption. We had already ruled out domestic adoption because we had been told that the wait would be far too long and that the process was out of our financial range.
So basically I thought we were at the end of the line.
During October and November I was sort of numb. But when December hit, my emotional state went downhill. I didn’t blame God. I just figured that we had been deemed un-suitable to raise a family so God was withholding His blessings from our endeavors. What made it worse was that it was MY BODY that had failed to accept the embryos. That twisted like a knife inside me all the time.
My emotional state was so erratic that I talked to a friend about it. She gave me some things to read and then she made another suggestion: blog.
Well, it turns out that she had been using her blog to work through her pain and it really helped her to be able to look back and see her progress.
um…..okay sure. I’ll try it.
So I started this blog. I titled it based on a state of mind that I assumed would continue forever: scream of continuousness. But something changed.
I got better. Was it blogging? nope. It was a direct result of blogging though: I had to DAILY spend time in exploring my thoughts and feelings and asking God what he wanted me to say. That changed my outlook within just a few weeks.
Have I always posted on devotional topics? Nope. Sometimes I’m frivolous and silly. Sometimes I am just working through stuff “out loud” with no real plan of where the post is going.
But mostly it has been a recognition that I have to DAILY place myself in God’s hands. Blogging has helped me with that.
I’ve made some incredible friends here. And learned at lot. In the course of this year of learning, we were matched (twice) and eventually adopted a gorgeous baby girl who is proving to me even more than this blog could, that I have to put myself DAILY right where God wants me: in HIS hands.