have my baby..please?

Can you possibly imagine that line as the start of a deep, meaningful friendship?

Well, I can.

Cause I once asked that very question of someone.  They turned me down and then proceeded to become a major part of my life.

What on earth am I talking about you ask? (or maybe you’ve already stopped reading ’cause I’ve offended you…)

Well back a few years ago when I was still reeling from our failed IVF tries one of the options the doctor mentioned was to have a surrogate mother carry a baby for us.  We could either use our own …um….material, or just my husband and the surrogate.  That last option completely turned me off, but the idea of having someone carry our child for us was not completely repugnant, so we agreed to think about it.  But then the doctors  started telling me all the stuff we would need to look into to find a surrogate.  DNA testing for the surrogate and descriptions and interviews…it was all so cold and clinical.  We were turned off by the whole process, so we put the notion on the shelf and got on with the process of healing our sore hearts.

Another friend who had been going through infertility issues herself pointed me to a wonderful blog post by a person named Missy.  It was all about how God never puts us in a place or situation without there being a reason, a meaning in it.

After reading that first post I kept reading.  and reading.  and reading.  I really liked this lady.  I liked her style and I envied her the ability to have four kids.  Her fertility and my infertility were in stark contrast to each other, and the thought crossed my mind…I wonder if she would be willing to be a surrogate for us?

I took my courage in both hands, and emailed her.

She very compassionately said, no.  And for a very good reason – Missy had had a rough delivery with her last baby and she was scared to try again.  Which is perfectly understandable.

Now this COULD have been a humiliating moment for me, but Missy made it into the beginning of a sweet relationship.  And no matter how depressed I got, or how frustrated with God’s timing, she kept pointing me back to God and reminding me that He is GOOD and He had not forgotten me.

Eventually, after a lot of healing and soul searching, we chose to adopt domestically and we could not possibly have been more blessed than we are to have Ginny.  Her birth parents are a wonderful part of our family life and they know how much we love them.  I honestly would not trade Ginny for any child of my own body.

But beyond helping me with my emotional healing, Missy did something far greater for me – she pointed out a prejudice that I was holding on to unjustly and opened my eyes to the amazing ministry of a lovely lady in Houston named Beth Moore.

Since then it’s been three years of non-stop blessing. Accountability,  Bible studies,  discussions, scripture memory teams, and now I’m EIGHT DAYS away from FINALLY meeting MISSY.

so Missy, thank you for NOT having my babies.

all i want for christmas….

My memory verse for these last two weeks of 2009 is this –

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:  that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple.

Psalm 27:4

Not a terribly Christmas-y verse is it?

But for me, right now…it works.

See my body has this horrendous habit of getting sick right around the holidays.  Sometime in late November or early December I almost invariably come down with a cold, the cold sinks into my lungs and I spend the next two months hacking, sometimes losing my voice, but mostly sounding like I belong in a ward full of consumptives and tuberculosis patients.

This is very very frustrating for someone whose primary avenue of worship is, and has always been, song.  Singing to God is my highest joy.  Most years, when this sickness hits me I tend to get very angry and frustrated and depressed.  This year, thanks to a song and this particular bible verse I’ve got a different outlook.

There is a song on Travis Cottrell’s album “Found” that is called “Rest”  One of the verses goes like this –

Cure my heart of chasing whirlwinds

Of needing earth to quake

Of wrestling made up angels to keep myself awake

Oh bid my restless wandering heart

To find its pulse in you

In stillness know that you are God

In rest…….

You make me new.

I’ve spent a lot of time this season just letting various songs wash over me.  There is a different message that can be found when I am not spending so much time physically participating but instead participating by listening.  That seems like such a simple thing to say, but for me it has been a hard thing to learn.  In years past my silence has been that of an actively frustrated bystander. Now I choose to deliberately immerse myself in the flood of words and music.

Its kinda of the difference between swimming with the current or being a leaf that the current is moving.  The leaf puts in no effort, but is still moved.

I used to think that if I couldn’t participate in the music that I wouldn’t be moved by it.  I am learning differently this year.

thank you jesus

Most of you know that I read the LivingProof Ministries blog.  Well Beth asked a very interesting question over there and I realized I needed to post my answer here as well.

She asked-

What are you grateful for that you NEVER thought you would

be grateful for?

Well.   That one got me thinking.  The usual stuff is easy – health, home, family, Jesus.  All the pat answers.  Don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong with being grateful for those things.  But what in my life that could be viewed as a negative could I turn on it’s head and view as something to be grateful for?

In years past? it would be my infertility that led us to Ginny.  Never in a thousand lifetimes would I trade.  Ginny has been a huge blessing.  I can never thank God enough.

But what has happened this year?   2009….Alright.  The thing I never thought I’d be thankful for in 2009  is that my husband lost his job in August.  August 4th as a matter of fact.  On my mother’s birthday.

I was so sour about it at first.  He was my Bible study partner on the way to and from work for 5 years.  We loved our commute together. So I was seriously bummed when that ended.  I said all the right things.  “God will take care of us.”  “It will be okay”  and I meant them.  But deep inside, even while I knew God would take care of us, I was resentful.  And to be honest, I kinda of imagined that God taking care of us would mean us scraping by on ramen noodles and finding ways to cut corners on everything.

I envisioned a life of constant restriction.  Nothing extra to enable us to help others. No joy.  Just getting by.

Apparently that is not what God had in mind.

This has been a blessed 4 months.  First, to hear my man say that he wanted to continue his tithe through the end of this 2009 AS IF HE STILL HAD HIS JOB.  Wow. I don’t know how to be grateful enough to God for sending me Martin.  When I think of the background we both come from.  The sin, the darkness of our past……..and now to see Martin , how much he really does love God,  and know that he is the real spiritual head of my house.  That in itself is a blessing.

We have also grown in our relationship.  Our relationship had gotten lazy.  We depended on that commute to keep us connected.  We had to learn all over again to find (or MAKE) time for each other.

Martin has gotten to spend lots of time with our baby girl, so that has been good.  Ginny is so precious and I’m glad that at least one of us is getting to spend extended amounts of time with her.

Also Martin and other members of my family have been sick and needed lots of time and care this fall.  If he had still had a job they likely would have had to let him go because of all the family emergencies we went through.  We never had to face that though.

God sent a job opportunity to Martin that he never would have been able to take on if he had been bogged down with his old job.

So spiritual growth, learning, new patterns, time with family……But then there is the financial stuff.

Finances.  The big bug-bear.  The nightmare of all who are “downsized” in this economy.   God has sent us a clear message that we are not to worry.    There have been two (not one, but TWO) out of the blue, un-asked for, financial gifts to our family that will, are you ready for this? enable us to continue our tithe all the way to the end of 2010 as if Martin still had his old job.  And it wasn’t even a question of “if”  when the checks came.  It was the first thing on Martin’s heart and mind.  The tithe.

Wow.  After all I have been through in my life and put others through, to finally be married to a real Christian MAN OF GOD is just blessing me right down to the tips of my boots.

so there you go.  I’m thankful that my husband lost his job.

sunday roast is in the oven

Acts 16: 22 – 26

²²The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten. ²³After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. ²⁴Upon receiving such orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks.

²⁵About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. ²⁶Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody’s chains came loose.

When this passage is talked about or preached about people tend to concentrate on the moment that the chains fell off.  I want to point out something different.

Paul and Silas had been attacked.  I am certain that right before and during the attack they prayed to God for deliverance.  And in that moment, it looked to them like God didn’t answer.

Paul and Silas were stripped of their clothes.  I am sure they asked God to spare them.  Being without clothes in front of a jeering crowd is a horrific thought.  But in that moment, God let it happen.

Paul and Silas were beaten.  I am positive that they begged God to still the hands of the person holding the whip.  To change the heart of the magistrate who had ordered this.  But in that moment, from their perspective, God did not answer.  He allowed the beating to happen.

Paul and Silas were thrown into prison.  I need no one to tell me that they were pleading with God in their hearts, and perhaps out loud to deliver them. What possible ministry could they hope to have in a prison?  But in that moment, God was still silent.

Paul and Silas lay on the probably filthy floor of that prison.  Their skin flayed open, dirt, grit, sweat, blood, and tears all mingling.  They were hurting.  And the hurt had been going on for hours.  At some point they have to have beseeched God “please Lord, if you must leave us in jail, heal our wounds! Then our jailors will see your glory when they come down here and see that you are our Protector!”

Everyone focuses on the deliverance from prison and I too tend to forget that they went through a long process of hate, attack, fear, beatings, and pain. I cannot for one minute believe that the songs that night around midnight were the first time God had heard from Paul and Silas that day. The Sunday school image of a cheerful Paul and Silas with their limbs semi comfortably arranged in chains is just so wrong.  They were praying and singing hymns to God the bible says.  Do you imagine that they were singing “clap your hands all ye people”? Or something more akin to “the Battle Hymn of the Republic” ???

It would have been so easy for them to cry out to God “You let us down! You let Your enemies attack us, beat us and now you have left us here to rot!”  How many times do we go through trials  (infertility, joblessness, hate and harassment, ridicule) and when God doesn’t answer the way we were expecting we assume that means that He has abandoned us or that we did something wrong.  “Lord, I’ve prayed and prayed and you haven’t delivered me yet!”  But what if the reason was so that you could cross paths with someone further down the path?  Someone that needs to see you trusting in God.

On the other hand there is only so much we can learn from seeing others trusting God while they suffer.  I really think the reason God needs us to stew in a particular problem for a while is that WE OURSELVES need time to learn.  Time for the lesson of God’s sovereign care for us and over our lives to sink in.  Time for us to, in effect get spiritually tenderized.  No roast ever got tender by watching another roast cook. eh?

So it’s time for me to apply this lesson to myself.

No matter how much I learn from reading or hearing about other people’s lives and trials and tribulations, there will be things I can only learn from going through it myself.

I hold up pretty well in emergencies.  Quick disasters.  High heat, short cook time. Those are no problem for me.  It is the long drawn out situations  – like infertility, and learning to hold my tongue at work – those are my bugbears.  The ones that completely trip me up.  The slow cooker situations are the ones that get me in trouble.  I’ve always just accepted that I’m not good at them.

Recently I’ve been coming to the conclusion that I don’t have to be good at them.  I just have to remember that God IS Good at these long slow drawn out situations and learn to trust Him.

Also it finally hit me that the best way to tenderize my soul is to put it through a long, slow, low heat scenario.  The end result is a tender, gorgeous, tantalizing meal.  Much better than charred steak.

The scent wafts through the house on a Sunday afternoon…you know what I’m talking about.  A portion of beef, potatoes, onions, celery, and carrots.   Seasoned just right.  The beef was seared this morning, then put in a large pan and seasoned.  Vegetables were cut up and tossed in.  The whole thing is covered.  They have been cooking slowly in your mother’s oven or crock pot the whole time the family was at church.  And now the gorgeous aroma fills the house.

I want the aroma of my soul to fill God’s nostrils with that type of scent.  Warm, promising, delectable and oh so tender.  Just like Paul and Silas.

jesus saves, over and over again

I can’t really tell you the scripture this comes from, but I am convinced that Jesus doesn’t just save sinners.

He saves me, every day, every moment.  Each time I turn to Him when I feel small, or petty, or discouraged, or angry.  He saves me from that and sends me in another direction.

Right now I’m in one of those places in my life where I can fall into sin a lot.

the sin of pride – stiff necked and too prideful to accept help.  I keep telling everyone we are fine.

the sin of greed – I know we can’t afford things right now.  but I still want stuff.  mostly plane tickets.  And the occasional meal out.  But there is plenty in the pantry.  I just have to learn to be more creative.

The sin of unbelief – as I try to take over planning how to get Martin a new job and how to make our finances stretch and how to cope….There is nothing wrong with putting in effort, but the fact is that I’m not doing anything to help the situation…I’m just worrying at it inside my brain all day.  and worry is a sin.  It indicates that I think I can somehow fix something better than God can.  Hello? God or Deirdre, who do you think is the better, more experienced problem solver?  Which one of us has the greater set of resources to draw from? Which one of us knows the whole plan and what will be for the greater good?

um…that would be NOT me, but God.

There’s a great little mini sermon found on Travis Cottrell’s most recent CD.  The Live album that was recorded in Woodstock, GA back in January.  Beth Moore talks about Praising God in difficult times.

I listen to that piece every time I get in the car nowdays.  Just to jerk my brain back into the proper track.

God. Is. In. Charge.

God. Is. Good.

and I WILL praise His name.  Whether I feel it right this instant or not.

Oh, incidentally, I’m not being morbid here, but when I die, please make note, I want everything from tracks 10 through 14 of that CD played at my funeral.  The sermon by Beth, and then the songs that follow it.  Go ahead and have the eulogies first and let Phillip Shoultz sing my favorite hymn “And Can it Be” but then, after that, just put in the CD and let it run.  My funeral may start off as being about me, but it will end being all about GOD.  There will (hopefully) be people at my service who may never have darkend a church door before, and I want them to walk away knowing beyond any doubt that my hope is in Christ Alone.

Anyway.

um….back to my regluarly scheduled blog….

actually, you know what?  I think that was a good place to stop.

In Christ Alone, my hope is found.

’nuff said.

never orphaned

Just about everyone who reads my blog knows by now that my favorite Bible study leader is Beth Moore.

As I read her blog more and more I am finding that I really enjoy the insights and posts from her daughters as well.

This one in particular from Melissa (who lives here in Atlanta by the way) just blew me away.

click here to read it.

I’ll wait.

back already?

good isn’t it?

I saw the Harry Potter premier last night, got an hour and half of sleep and now I’m at work.  My brain is a disorganized, sleepy jumble.   So if this comes out wrong, I apologize in advance.

I want to take exception to what this post says about Adoption.  Yes I think I know the point is that God’s adoption of us is far more profound than adoption through a human agency can ever be.  The phrasing could have used a little bit of work though as it (inadvertently I’m sure) makes it sounds like human adoption is “merely paperwork”

Nothing could have been farther from the truth, at least for me.  The moment we saw Ginny in the hospital…wow.

If I try to describe it I can only come up with hackneyed phrases.  Things that will make any creative writer cringe.

“felt a shock all the way to the tips of my fingers”

“flooded with love”

“overwhelmed by joy and a strong desire to cry at the same time”

“shaken”

“stopped in my tracks”

“utterly in love at first sight”

and let me tell you there was not much to see.  she was just a little face sticking out of a bundle of blankets.  I didn’t know her yet.  No personality traits had been displayed. But in that instant…

Ginny was instantly real and utterly loved.

The gift that her birth parents have given us is overwhelming.  The trust, the risk just blows my mind sometimes.

I do get what Melissa is saying, but based on my personal experience there is nothing “merely” about our adoption experience.

Still, I thank God that He has adopted me (and everyone who accepts His love) in a manner that transcends my understanding.  No matter how much I love Ginny, Jesus loves her more.  and He loves me more.

And neither of us will ever be orphaned.

tips for praying in traffic

In honor of tomorrow and the National Day of Prayer I thought I would post a few tips for Praying in Traffic…since that is where a lot of us actually pray.

• do not close your eyes
• pray out loud  (it might help you stay awake so that you don’t hit someone)
• bless your enemies****
• remember to start your prayer with PRAISE.  Thank God for what you have.  Whether it be a roof over your head, a job, your health, or “just” that you are alive.  I am assuming here that if you are reading this blog that you are indeed alive.  If you read this blog and you are already dead…….I don’t want to know about it, ‘kay?
• pray for our leaders at ALL levels (local, regional, national)
• and remember Genesis 18:14 “Nothing is too difficult for God!”

**** enemies here means ANYONE you dislike.  From the guy who just cut you off in traffic to the member of the opposition party who just got elected to public office.  God has very explicit instructions for praying for our enemies: we are supposed to pray SPECIFICALLY for blessings to rain down on them.   Luke 6: 27 & 28/Matthew 5:44/Romans 12:20/Proverbs 25:21/Exodus 23:4

i am not worthy

not long ago I was at a concert and raised my hand

“yes, I will sponsor a compassion child”

I clutched the packet with a child’s photograph in it and briefly regretted that I was letting God pick the child for me instead of searching the Compassion website and picking one for myself.  But I reminded myself that this randomness was a way to keep ME out of the decision and let God direct which child I get to connect with.

So I wrote my bank info in the appropriate places, turned in the form.  Shook (shaked?) hands with Shaun Groves and thanked him for the opportunity.  Then I went to go get in line to meet Travis Cottrell.

I didn’t forget “my child” I knew his name was Esteban.

I got on-line the next day and looked for more info on him and in a short time I wrote him a letter via email.  I was content to let it stop there for now.

Then a short while ago the news started flying around in blog-land about the Compassion Trip to India.  and a couple of my favorite people (Angie and Melissa) were going to be on the trip.  I’ve always loved India.  Not the place (since I’ve never been) but the idea of India.  The culture, the food, the clothes.  India is just way more appealing to me than the home country of my little Esteban.  I had thoughts of adding another Compassion child to my refrigerator.

then I thought, No.  Don’t do that to Esteban.

Sure it would be cool to participate more closely with Melissa and Angie and Shaun, but I would be short changing Esteban.  and I haven’t even really managed to feel connected to him yet.

then the letter arrived.

From Esteban.

in his own handwriting.

somehow I hadn’t quite expected that.

The drawing, the typed translation by some random adult, those I was prepared for…….but then I turned the page over and saw, in pencil, with eraser marks…..

Esteban’s own handwriting.

And for some insane reason I feel as if it was a letter from Christ himself. (Matthew 25:40)

please sponsor a child through compassion or some other agency if you wish.  but please do it.  and if I haven’t managed to convince you, go read melissa’s post about the subject of God’s mandate to us to give to the poor and needy.

bragging on Ginny

alright.  I am going to brag on my child.

It is going to be sickeningly sweet and gushy.  If you don’t want to read it you don’t have to.  But I’m a mom and it is good for me to occasionaly wax eloquent about my darling child.  Ask Missy over at It’sAlmostNaptime.  This was her idea.  and I like it.

If you don’t already know, my adorable 7 month old girl, her name is Ginny.  Actually it’s Virginia Altie Aspen Gerard Russell.  Her name story is long and has a lot to do with our wanting to honor the wishes of her birth parents.

so here’s my Ginny

on a recent camping trip

and my favorite photo of her so far in life

five months old

Yes, she is almost always that cheerful.  And just to add some perspective she was sick with RSV when we took that photo.

I have the worlds most cheerful baby.

When I wake her up in the morning she laughs at me.

When I sing to her she giggles and hums along (not on key of course, but she is only 7 months old after all).

She loves restaurants.  People watching is her second favorite skill, next to napping in public. The child has never once given us any trouble in a restaurant.

She pays attention in church.  okay, I know Ginny is not actually listening to the sermons, but she sits up, at full attention, and gazes at the pastor while he talks, and the choir when they sing.  Oh and she has already done all of Beth Moore’s Daniel Bible Study.  Okay, she attended, but never did any homework.

Ginny loves her daddy.  She goes to him with squeals of glee.  He is an incredibly entertaining person in his own right, but nothing he ever did before was so worth watching as the times he lavishes on Ginny. (I guess I’ve kinda wandered into “bragging on my hubby” here, but I’m sure Missy will forgive me)

She is friendly.  I can’t hand her off to just anyone to hold, but she bestows her biggest smiles on just about anyone who says “Hi!” to her.  This child is gifted in the hospitality department.  I mean, just look at this smile:

happy baby

She thinks things through.  I can almost see her thinking sometimes.  Especially when confronted with something new.  She stops and examines things with a sober look on her little face that is absolutely endearing.

figuring out her play gym

Before Ginny came to live with us seven months ago I was frankly worried about mommy-hood, but now that I know Ginny, I’m no longer worried. I’ve got the worlds easiest, most cheerful baby.

thank you Jesus and thank you Mel & Steve for this incredible gift.

if you could have one wish

If you could have one wish.  Just one.

What would it be?

none of this wishing for infinite wishes stuff either.  Just one wish.

that’s okay.  I’ll wait.  did you think of one?

What was it?  Now be honest.

World peace?

fabulous wealth?

Athletic, strong,  healthy body that would allow me to eat anything I wanted and never get fat or have any injuries? (That one was mine by the way.  Can you tell?)

children?

cure all illness?

Well here is what the psalmist wished for – simply the opportunity to contemplate Jehovah.

Psalm 27:4-5 “One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.”

I want a super body and all the Psalmist wants is to gaze upon the beauty of God.

Can we say “attitude adjustment” boys and girls?  yup, I thought we could.

Is there someone in your life that you are content just to look at?  Most of you mature people probably haven’t felt like that since high school, but I still feel that way about a few people.  People whom I want to just gaze at.  If they talk to me I freeze.  Yes.  Even though I’m almost 40.  My goodness, If I ever met Beth Moore for instance I would probably just stand there and grin like a fool.  I very nearly did that when I met Travis Cottrell back in January.  And that was just in an autograph line.  So it’s not like I actually had to say anything witty or original.  Just be a human being.  but oh man did I nearly bust myself trying to think of something to say.

I feel the same way about Ginny sometimes.  It just makes me happy to look at her.  Especially when she does something new, or cute.  Like this

first bites of rice cereal. yummmm

So anyway, my point here (I had a point?  yes.  I’m sure I did.  hang on and I’ll find it….somewhere) is that we all know the feeling of just wanting to bask in the presence of a beloved person.

even once we got out of high school and developed real relationships. *grin*

I enjoy just being in the same room with my husband.  Even if we don’t say a word.  Even if all we are doing is reading separate books, enjoying the scenery on a long road trip, or working on our computers, just being near him makes me happy.

Do I know what it is like to feel that way about God though?  I’m not sure.  I know I enjoy corperate worship experiences.  Especially through song.  But I don’t know that I can honestly say that I have ever felt like I was basking in the presence of God when I was alone with Him.

So how can I echo the Psalmist when I’m not even sure I know what it is he is aspiring to?

Of course the picture gets more complicated when you realize that, becasue of the Holy Spirit,  our current bodies ARE the temple of the LORD.

No I am NOT advocating navel contemplation.  Try to follow me here.

If I am going to “seek God in His Temple (my body)” then I need to take better care of the temple.  I need to see the beauty that HE created there and not let it deteriorate through sloth and gluttony.

There is also the interpretation which speaks to my heart of enjoying the God-created beauty all around me, especially in all the other temples (people) that are walking around this planet.  Each one is a beloved temple of Jehovah and deserves respectful, kindness from me.

Even those that seem to me to be unlovable.