Martin and I were reading a devotional on grief. One of the questions we were supposed to think about was of the “record your feelings from a time when you lost someone dear to you” order. And that’s when it occurred to me:
I’ve never had someone I’m really really close to die.
I’ve never been in a serious accident.
I’ve never had a life threatening illness.
I’ve never been robbed.
I’ve never been hit or physically abused.
I’ve never gone hungry or without shelter.
Is my life perfect? no of course not.
Yes, okay, I’ve had a few surgeries. I’ve lost Grandparents and an Uncle (but I hadn’t seen him in years and never really knew him very well) and few friends (but never anyone I was really really close to at the time). The last time I remember being grieved enough to howl out my pain was a boy-friend dumping me in my early 20s. But that outpouring of grief frightened my mother so badly I’ve never let go that way again.
I’ve had a few pets die, but I was too young to really be attached to them the way I am to the pets I have now. Alright, I’ve been through divorce. But that was a slow, quiet pain.
No I don’t have kids yet. And will probably never have a child of my own body. and that is it’s own kind of slow creeping grief process.
But, comparatively speaking, I have had an incredibly good, low stress existence.
The rest of my family is another story. Last week I got a call from my brother who, amongst his other myriad difficulties, now has developed Bell’s Palsy. This is where one side of your face stops working. Your eye doesn’t blink, you don’t control anything on one side of your face. If there is any traceable cause they don’t call it Bell’s Palsy, it’s something else. If the doctor’s can’t figure it out, they call it Bell’s Palsy. *sigh* It sometimes goes away and sometimes stays with you for life. You just have to wait and see which way it’s going to go.
Why Lord? Why on top of everything else that has happened to my brother (in addition to his less than stellar life decisions) why did this have to happen?
Why am I so blessed?