why did I have to be broken?

Ever been confronted with a big mound of clay and it’s your job to make something useful out of it? the teacher says “today’s project is to make something useful, not merely decorative. Your object can be pretty, but it will have a purpose”

So now you sit and think of all the different objects you can make with this blob of dirt. Okay it’s a specific type of dirt – clay – but it’s still dirt. what can you make? what need exists in your life? or is the vessel for someone else?

If you need to wash someone’s face, you might make a basin that will allow for splashing, and maybe one to pour the water from.

If you need to bathe a baby you would make one even wider, a very shallow basin.

If you are looking to store wine to keep it cool and pour it at need, you would want to make something with thick walls and a narrow neck.

If you need to serve food, the vessel might be a small bowl, or plate. Or if you know you will be serving lots of people, you would of course want to make a bigger bowl.

If thirst quenching water is needed, a cup, or even a dipper will do, but if you want to retain warmth, a thick walled mug might be better.

The possibilities are endless.

Now lets approach the problem from another angle. What if you had a wine vessel? Already made and fired. Firm. Strong. Very set in it’s form and function. One with a narrow neck and thick walls and it is the one vessel available, but you KNOW you are going to need to wash a baby. Would you consider breaking the wine vessel and glueing the pieces back together in a different configuration so that you could wash the baby?

This is assuming of course that you had some kind of divine power and you could fill in the gaps and smooth out the rough edges.

Not too long ago, Angie Smith posted about a time in her life when she (as a form of therapy) deliberately broke a vase and put it back together. She draws some very interesting conclusions from that exercise. Go read it and then come back here.

Now I’m going to add to her analogy:

What if every time God breaks me it is because he needs not just to shine through the cracks in my life, but to make a new vessel in a whole different shape than it was before?

What if the shape of what I was is not going to fill the need God has for my future?

starting tonight

For any of my readers who are not interested in my infertility issues, this is your official TMI alert.

Stop reading now.

But for all who have been following the changing emotional states of Deirdre and are actually interested in my life.

Keep reading.

I really am thinking I need to give my reproductive organs over to God.

So starting tonight. No more pill.

By ceasing to take the pill it’s not so much that I’m opening up an opportunity for God to work, He could work around me if He wanted. I want to show God, myself and others that I’m willing to ACT like I believe that He will take care of me. And if I end up with another endometetrioma and a hysterectomy, then that was what He wanted and everything will be alright. At least then I’ll get to stop the fruitless hope-ings and move on to something else.

As soon as we file our taxes and decide which agency to use, Martin and I will be moving into the murky waters of adoption paperwork. We will go ahead with adoption even if we somehow miraculously get pregnant.

Pray for me. That I will really give God the full charge of my reproductive life. That I will not look at this as God’s “cue” to perform His miracle NOW! That I will not “time” anything or live on a cycle of hope and despair. Please pray that I really will give it up to God.

Thanks for listening and for caring to read this far.

 

****clarification: The reason the doctor’s gave me the pill was to keep the endometriomas at bay.  The way you do this is to take SIX months of the pill with no stops.  No period.  So it was really a messed up cycle. ****** 

 

crises of the mind….soul?…..heart?……liver?…..ovaries?

For those who don’t know, I started this blog so I could work through my feelings and thoughts about my infertility. So if you’ve been enjoying the recipes and fun stuff, great. I’ll get back to that in a bit, but for today I’m working through something and I want the help of my Christian friends.

so here goes with the TMI

Martin and I have been going through a Bible study that dealt last night with the scene where God asks Abraham to sacrifice his only son Isaac. Abraham passes the test. He climbs the mountain, puts the boy on the altar (not without a struggle) and obeys God. But God stops him just before the knife comes down. (Genesis 22 if you are interested)

The study leader talked about how we have to be able to trust God with everything nearest and dearest to us. Also she talked a LOT about how we, in this modern world, have limited our expectation of God to the “probable” instead of really trying to grasp that God is limitless.

He Can Do Anything

So if I really want to believe that God is limitless, that means He CAN overcome my barrenness, my infertility. Or He may have other plans for me, but the point here is that I am SUPPOSED to trust Him with this. Yes even this.

Well, we’ve been through IVF etc and now that we are done with that, the doctors have declared that it is all but impossible for me to have children of my own body. Oh and by the way, I needed to go back on the pill to keep all the endometriomas from coming back etc, etc, etc…

Now God can overcome even the pill, I know that. But here is what I’m struggling with:

Should I, as a tangible evidence of my commitment to give my internal organs and my future up to God’s control, just go off birth control?

I know I’ll be setting myself up for a cycle of hope and disappointment, physical pain and possibly another surgery if the endometriosis comes back, but what if the test for this control-freak heart of mine is learning to just give it up to God?

What if that is the test that I’ve been failing? What if that’s what I’m supposed to be learning in life; how to bend my knee to my Creator God and say “whatever you want Lord” and MEAN IT.

Feedback is welcome as I am struggling with this. My mind is not made up, but this is the direction my heart keeps prompting me.