scared to hope

I think God just sent me two potential “leads” about two potential babies (not yet born) who need parents.

I’m kinda scared to hope that this is for real or could really work out. I can’t say anything more than that, just pray that God will be glorified no matter what happens.

So that’s what is on my mind today. I’m trying to concentrate on work (rather unsuccessfully as you can imagine). Oh, I have other good news: I started back on my swimming this past Friday. At one point last year I was doing an hour on Tuesdays and on Thursdays. Just long slow laps, nothing stressful, but it was really helping me feel better physically. That got cut short when we went through IVF and then when it failed I was too depressed to get back in the pool, but now it is a new year and I’m off my duff and back into the pool. It’s the only excersise I can do consistently without stressing my knees. Good thing I love it so much.

I wasn’t able to do the full hour Friday, but got through 45 minutes and had no real soreness. So I’ll try to go for the full hour Tuesday. Hubby doesn’t like swimming, so he is going to do racquetball and weight machines. Yay hubby.

Sorry I’m not profound or witty today. Just too occupied with possibility of baby through random life connections. Isn’t God weird?


the Face of God?

At my church last night we had a Community Event to honor three outstanding contributors to our church

One of the honorees was my choir director, Phillip Shoultz.

He directs the youth choirs as well as the adults. We decided that our presentation to him would consist of three things:

  • a book of photos of Phillip with all of us from various trips, excursions etc and bunches of letters from all of us about what Phillip has meant to us.
  • a photoshop slide show of all the funny and serious photos
  • then we got both choirs together and sang one of his favorite hymns. Over 150 of us showed up from the adult, youth and middle school choirs. (do you have ANY idea what a tribute it is to him that so many of us showed up on BCS night to sing for him?)

He was very surprised and very very touched. Which is what we had hoped for.


So where am I going with this and what possible interest could it hold for my readers? Just stick with me.

Phillip is in his early thirties and in the four years I have known him he has battled with his weight (we’ve each gained at least 30 pounds in those four years) but right now he is winning his battle. He looks great. It really shows when you see him every week.

So is this about “Deirdre needs to lose weight and is inspired by her choir director” ??? NO.

Those photos were amazing. NOT because they showed Phillip in various stages of losing weight. I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE his weight last night. What really came through in all those photos was his incredible face. His smile, and his eyes. In endless shots of Phillip and various members of various choirs looking at the camera (or being goofballs) what hit me very very hard was how the only thing I saw was his face. Not his weight. But the one shot of me (in the background) that happened to flash up on screen, I cringed. I was horror struck at how overweight I am (174 for the record). Here’s the kicker: I never even looked at my own face. Can’t even tell you if I was singing or screaming or what. No idea. I was too fixated on how enormous my thighs looked.

This morning on the way to work I started really examining that reaction.

Why can I see the beauty of Phillip’s eyes and face on camera even though he was just as overweight as I am, but I can’t see any beauty in me? If I had had to sit through 100 photos of me up on that huge screen in front of the whole church I would have been in tears by the end of it with humiliation about how I look.

Yes, I need to lose weight for my health, but even more, I need to lose the unhealthy attitude that says that I can’t be beautiful to the people around me in my current state.

How can I change my heart so that it shines out of my face the way God wants it to? How can I become that type of beautiful? How can I start to recognize and commend that kind of beauty in others? I want to look for the face of God.

So if you’ve read all the way to here, thanks. I know this isn’t the best written post ever. I’m still struggling through these concepts. But this blog is not supposed to be about presenting profound concepts to WOW the world, it’s about whats happening in my head and heart each day.

oh, and one other thing: WAY TO GEAUX TIGERS!!!!!!