Breathe in, breathe out, look up

Okay.  I’ve had my cathartic day of grieving.

I don’t like the results of this election, but I respect the office, our constitution, the current man holding the office, and the gracious in defeat opponent enough that I will obey their request to try to keep an open mind and give him a chance.

I’m also obeying God here. (See Romans 13 also)

Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, ² to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.
³ At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. ⁴ But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, ⁵ he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, ⁶ whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, ⁷ so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. ⁸ This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone.
Titus 3: 1-8

So, I’m going to start doing something good by starting to have fun again. Learning to look up and smile and spread joy.  The best way I know to spread joy is to go back to posting about my fabulous daughter Ginny.

Ginny is now 8 years old (which means my blog is approximately 9 years old since I started it before she was even born.  wow. ) Anyway, she is fun and sassy and learning to love God and her fellow humans at a wonderful Christian school that is dear to my heart.

Here are a few photos from recent years.  This is by no means comprehensive.  It’s just ones I had handy on my computer as I’m writing this today.

So that’s my version of kitten videos and lighthearted fun for today.

Enjoy.

wow. I actually like me.

Ever looked at endless photos of yourself and all you can see are the faults? the flaws, the not quite right stuff?

Martin and I have being looking at a lot of photos of us recently for our adoption portfolio and I have to say I’m married to a handsome man. Even when scruffy from a week’s vacation on the ranch, he looks good. See photo below:

But even in this photo I’m not real sure I like me, ya know.

but one photo we took last week, I really like.

Here it is.

The funny thing is you actually have to click on it to see what I’m talking about. Something about the size or the resolution of the thumbnail makes my teeth look really weird. But when you see the full sized photo this is the best natural photo taken of me in years. Of course it helped that my gorgeous hubby was the one holding the camera.
I guess that’s the smile he sees all the time.

 

 

not really the picture I was looking for….

I don’t know how many of my readers have wanted children and not been able to have them. So I don’t know if this will have meaning for you.

The consulting agency that we are probably going to go with to help us with our adoption is a really nice group of people, but in their requests for photos of both myself and Martin they ask for something that just floors me:

They want photos of both myself and my husband…………..

with kids.

And if you don’t have any of your own, you can borrow someone else’s.

great. lovely. perfect.

Now I do understand the request. Really. They want to have a visual of how we “are” with children. How we look holding a baby or playing with a child so that the birth mother has a comfortable image of us to relate to.

But let’s think about this. I mean really process it.

How many people do you know who are experiencing the pain of infertility who regularly seek opportunities to hang out with little walking reminders of their greatest personal failure?……….Never mind taking a photo of this “warm fuzzy” event.

I know I don’t look right around kids right now. I know this because I don’t FEEL right around kids right now.

When I see a three-year-old I freeze. I’m caught between the desire for emotional retreat and the opportunity to enjoy the cuteness. The pain-avoidance instinct which says to turn away from this little walking reminder and the need to pick her up and hold her close.   I’m terrified of the pain if I hold my arms out and the child laughs and runs the other way.  There’s already enough pain floating around in my heart….why invite more?

Consequently I tend to just sit there and adore kids, not interact with them. Who wants to see a photo of that?

My husband doesn’t seem to have this problem, by the way. He’s comfortable with kids of all ages. I used to be fine too. I used to teach nursery school and spend loads of time with small kids. All that stopped when we started realizing how hard it was going to be to have kids of our own. I sort of….withdrew.

I just touched a young child for the first time in …years? I held a friend’s beautiful four-month-old a few weekends ago. I can tell you that the last thing on my mind was “hey, somebody get a photo of this moment please”

I was holding her, kissing the top of her head, breathing in the warm clean scent of her. I was enjoying the moment…..sort of in the same way one enjoys probing a sore tooth with one’s tongue. If anybody had happened to be handy with a camera and had asked me to look up, the expression on my face would have been one of wistful pain.

Not a comforting photo. And not really the picture I was looking for.

what is it about chemistry?

I work in the Chemistry department at a major research university. Even though my major was history, I love it here. I learn something new every day.

In my time here I’ve gotten to hear lectures on molecular sized traps to filter mercury out of water,  watch a female chemist talk about her role in identifying the mummy of Ramesses I, and learn a tiny little bit about how to get nano particles to stick to surfaces.

I think the major thing I’ve learned today is that almost all the chemists in this department have the shutter bug and they have it BAD.

Here’s the blog of one of our professors. He’s just getting started on blogging but I really like his work so far. Especially the shot from his trip down the Nile.

Doug’s new blog

enjoy.