Is Christmas supposed to be like this?

Okay, here’s the scene.

My mother in law is in town. My mom and dad live just a mile away from me. My brother and his new wife are living in our basement (for just 2 more weeks, more on that some other time) My brother’s daughter is staying with my mom for Christmas. And my brother’s wife’s three kids are supposed to be staying with us as well.

Everybody got that?

okay.

I tried to have an organized Christmas. I am a goddess of organization. I can do this. No problem. I had a schedule. With church activities and “down time” and family activities. It was all worked out neatly……on paper.

No part of my plan has survived unscathed. Take last night as an example.

From 6 to 9 p.m. we are supposed to go driving around looking at Christmas lights. My darling husband has strained his back making sure all the seats are in place in our large (15 passenger) van. My brother calls. He has taken his wife and all four kids to a freinds house to “do some baking” but he assures me they will be back in time to enjoy the Christmas lights event. right. why didn’t I know better? By the way, the reason they have had to go to a freind’s house to bake is becasue I’m a mean awful nasty person who won’t allow them to bake in my kitchen that’s already cleaned up and ready for guests. I’ve cooked everything we need for the week already and I refuse to allow more mess.

Anyway…we are supposed to leave at 6 to look at lights. At 5:45 my brother calls to say he doesn’t think they are going to make it and can we go do the lights without them? Well, a van full of adults driving around looking at lights is not nearly as much fun as a van with excited children in it, but sure. We’ll manage. somehow.

So now I have to call my mom and convince her that not having the grandbaby (who is 14 by the way) along for the ride is NOT the END OF THE WORLD as we know it.

It is now 7 p.m. We have me, my hubby, my mom and dad and my mother in law all in the van and ready to go.

We drive around. We look at lights.
Approximately 9:45 my brother calls. He is now going to be baking all night and can we come get the 14 year old and take her home since she has Swim practice tomorrow. He will meet us half way. um…okay.

We get to the rendevous point. No Brother. No 14 year old. But here’s another phone call.

Turns out my brother can’t find the keys to his car. So can we please drive another 20 minutes to pick up the 14 year old.

Sure. This we do.

We pick her up. We drive home.

We have now sucessfully completed 3 hours of driving. We get home……and my dad wakes up.

Merry Christmas.

Janna would be so proud of me

Every year at Easter my good friend Janna’s father (choir director at her church) used to let whoever wanted to to come up into the choir loft and sing the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel’s Messiah. And every year I would get in so much trouble.

See I had learned it as a Soprano when I was much younger and had a soprano range. But I can’t do that anymore. And besides, I wanted to stand next to my friend Janna………. who sings alto.

oops.

So there I was, in the middle of the Alto section. The director has his arms raised. We are getting ready to start singing.

And I have NO CLUE how the Alto part goes!

yikes.

And somehow I never learned. Year after year I’d bounce up into the loft and every time have same oops moment. Is my learning curve really that flat?

But Janna, you’d be proud of me now. This year my choir has been doing the Messiah (Christmas portion) and I’ve learned the alto part by heart. And I just wanted to tell you, I adore the alto line. My director has joked that Handel was “sweet on an alto” and that’s why he gave us such a gorgeous part to sing. I don’t know if that’s true, but I do know that it is way more fun to sing than the soprano part ever was.

so be proud of me Janna, I’m a confirmed alto for life now.

“Caspian” is coming !!!!!!!

I happened to be on imdb.com to look something up last night and saw the trailer for the newest Narnia movie. Prince Caspian. oh heavens. They’ve done a wonderful job. Again.

Then, just for fun, I went to Narnia.com and watched it again. wow. I know what I’M doing May 16. wow.

I know, I know. it’s still 147 days away. But I lived on these books. You should have heard my friend J. and I when we first heard “the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe” was coming. We were in a theatre together with my husband Martin (I don’t remember what we were there to see) and the trailer came on. I “got it” about 10 seconds before she did and I gasped. Martin turned to me trying to figure out what was wrong, but I was glued to the screen and bouncing up and down in my chair (quietly of course) then J. (sitting on his other side) “gets” it and she sucks in her breath. Martin turns to her in confusion and now the poor guy is surrounded by two women literally hopping up and down in the seats with excitement….and he had NO IDEA what on earth we were so worked up about. Of course I immediately went out and rented him the books on tape and brought him up to speed. At which point he saw the trailer again and was almost as thrilled as we were.

I’ve been immersed in Narnia since I was a little kid. I remember sitting on the floor in 3^rd grade Sunday school and having it read to us. One chapter at a time. The whole series. I ate it up. I made my mom buy me the set and read it again and again.

So when I happened on the trailer for Caspian yesterday I went through the roof. I was still grinning from ear to ear when Martin picked me up from work. He has now decided that an i-pod just might be worth it, cause he can load the trailer for Caspian into it and any time I’m depressed or upset he can just play the trailer for me and it will make me happy. He’s so cute.

 

But he’s kinda right.

why do I hate “White Christmas” ?

I mean, come on. It’s a classic song. Everybody seems to love it. But to me is it so wistful and so sad that I just hate it. I mean Christmas is hard enough enough on some people, why do we have to keep playing this slow sad depressing song about wanting “all your Christmases to be white” like that’s the only way it will be a happy Christmas!

sheesh.

What percentage of people actually *get* a white Christmas?

I honestly prefer “Blue Christmas” at least it is funny. Elvis version or Porky Pig I care not. the humor offsets the lyrics.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate snow. But I see no point in longing for something I’ll never get.  My town will never have a White Christmas (especially now with global warming, but that’s another post) so why get myself all worked up about it? It’s wasted energy. (I think there is a lesson in there that I need to absorb that applies to my infertility, I’ll think about it later)

If we have to have snow songs they need to be happy ….like “Sleighride”

Okay, I have a new cause in life BAN the “White Christmas” song! Storm the radio stations! Alert the media! here we go!

just kidding. but does it have to play quite so often?

oh well.

Merry Six Days till Christmas!

I’m actually happy today…weird

This is strange.

I’m stuck at work (when there is waaay too much to do at home), my brother got laid off last week (and his house closing is today), my back hurts (from addressing loads of Christmas cards last night) and I’ve got too much on my desk to do for me to spare the time for blogging this morning….

and yet….

I’m happy.

Something is right today that wasn’t right yesterday. I think it may have been something that got said in my small group bible study last night. We watched a wonderful DVD by Rob Bell that deals with the issue of not getting what we want. It really helped me grasp that all my crying out about not getting what I want (kids) is pointless. God is so good and he has something so wonderful for me out there and yet here I was, like a two year old pitching a fit, screaming to get some silly toy. The two year old doesn’t think it’s silly, it is what he wants with all his heart. He is very serious about it. But the dad knows that he has something else planned. (by the way, I’m not saying wanting kids is silly, so don’t go there)

You are probably reading this and saying “duh! didn’t you know that God is good?” well yes, but ya know how sometimes someone can say something in a certain way and all of a sudden things click? well something clicked last night.

I’m not “healed” I’m not all better. I’m not going to even think that. Cause I know me and I know I’ll go right back to screaming for the thing I wanted (and still want pretty desperately), but at least I know now what one 12 hour period of freedom feels like. Freedom from the constant, crushing heartache. Maybe one day I’ll get to the point where I can feel free 24/7.

The biggest thing I learned last night is that God isn’t witholding something from me and waiting for me to learn my lesson, he is perfectly capable of picking up my screaming, tantrum-throwing self and bodily hauling me to whatever blessing he has waiting for me. Sort of like picking up a screaming two-year-old and taking him to the good thing you have already got waiting for him around the corner.

You probably have to have seen the “kickball” episode from Nooma for any of this to make sense, but the point is this: some things are starting to make sense to me now. And I guess that’s progress.

So Merry Christmas to me! I’m making progress.

and Merry Christmas to everyone else. Your gift from me, is a less grumpy, less depressed me. Shall I put on a ribbon?

can I be a hobbit?

I have a whole bunch of conflicting and conflicted emotions running around in my head this afternoon, so I’m just going to stick with the subject of mushrooms ’cause if I didn’t I’d be rambling on all day.

This weekend I cooked a HUGE pot of beef stroganoff.  I love mushrooms, so if I had to be anything other than human, I’d choose to be a Hobbit. Besides, they like “well rounded figures” and I’m well on my way there.

I’ll admit it’s not a traditional Christmas-time food.  But for me it’s a comfort food and that’s very important at this time of year.  That stroganoff is going to feed all my visiting family for a couple of meals.  Stroganoff over broccoli, stroganoff filled puff pastry cups (yummmmmmm), I may even put it in a quiche.

Anybody got any thoughts on mushrooms in general? or beef stroganoff in particular? recipes to share?  What’s your comfort food?

Scream of Continuousness

Why did I name my blog Scream of Continuousness. It has to do with a couple of things.

One. I have yet to actually scream about the whole infertility thing. I can’t seem to get to the point of that total release. I’ve cried. I just recently had a week where I would cry at the drop of a hat. But it has never been that gut wrenching, lie on the floor and sob my heart out kind of cry that might make me feel better. So instead of a major emotional release I walk around all day every day feeling like I’m a kettle on the boil and I’m whistling.  Sort of a continual, internal, never ending scream. Sometimes it surprises me that nobody around me can hear it.

Two. Danny Stanton. He was my boyfriend just after high school. He would write me these silly letters that were essentially stream of conciousness, but he called it scream of continuousness.

So, since I’m constantly screaming inside my head and I’m hoping that this blog thing will be an outlet for that, I called the blog by Danny’s name for it: Scream of Continuousness.

hope you like it.

***UPDATE*****

I am SERIOUSLY considering changing the name of this blog.  You would not beleive how many people interpret is as that I am some kind of psycho who needs help.

So, anyone got a suggestion for a new name?  Besides the fact that I am past this whole “constantly on the boil” thing.  That’s past.

thank you Lord for this pretty day….

“Thank you Lord for this pretty day”

That’s what my husband says at the end of every prayer. No matter if it’s cloudy, or bright, cold, warm, drizzly. He says it every time.

We ride to work together and our devotional time is during the car ride. We read our portion for the day, discuss it and then pray. And he always ends with the same thought. He always thanks God for the pretty day.

The first time he said that it was indeed a perfect day. Not a cloud in the sky, brisk air, perfect in every way. But as the days went on and he said it every day I started feeling sarcastic about it. “oh come on Martin. It’s pouring rain! What’s pretty about this?”

But as he has continued to say it I am learning more and more to identify each day as beautiful, meaningful, something to be enjoyed in all it’s glorious variety.

And you know what else? I’m incredibly thankful to have such a sensitive, wonderful hubby who has ever so gently taught me to look at each morning a little bit differently.

Thank you God for Martin.

Deer in the headlights

Coming back from the once-every-two-years trip to Texas this November I finally got to see a real “deer the headlights”

My husband and I both love to drive at night, so we tend to plan these long trip (Our town to Dallas) so that most of the driving is at night. So there I am driving along at 3 a.m. singing to my favorite Michael W. Smith CD when all of a sudden this THING that is as big as the hood of my car (Ford Escape Hybrid) is taking up my entire lane.

and it’s just looking at me! I can’t change lanes to the right, cause there is someone there, so I slow waaay down and the silly thing continues to stare down my car (like it thinks it’s going to win this bizzare game of chicken. I’m becoming more and more aware of just how big this thing is. It’s turned broadside to me and it is honestly taking up the entire lane.

Eventually it shakes itself and ambles off into the dark. and let me tell you I’ve never been so careful a driver as I was for the next 100 miles or so. You may say I was just shaken and nervous. I will deny it. I was merely being careful. The headlights on bright are a precaution that everyone should use. And my constant scanning of the bushes on each side watching for whatever the next thing is thats going to leap into my path is NOT a twitch or a tick. It is a perfectly reasonable caution.

So now that I know what a deer in the headlights really looks like, I can honestly say that that was how I felt last night when I got the news that the head coach of my hometown professional football team has quit. I’m stunned. I can’t seem to move off the subject. I even brought it up in the middle of a completely unrelated conversation at work this morning. *sigh*

the thing I can’t understand about it is that we only have three games left. Couldn’t he have hung around for three more games? maybe even used the secret knowledge that he was leaving to go ahead and be the bad guy and fire some of the trouble makers and low performers on the team?

oh well. now we have to start over….again.

maybe I’d better get off the road, before a car comes along and smacks me.

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is my first post. I don’t really know why I’m doing this. Except that I have friends who are doing it and I’ve never done anything just for that reason, so this is novel.

My husband just arrived to pick me up from work though, so I guess I’ll post more tomorrow.

Fun thing I just discovered: I can go back and add to my posts! Yay! So, I’m creating a blog to assess my state of mind. I want this to be sort of a diary of my thoughts so I can go back in a year and look at where I’ve been and how I’ve progressed.

Right now I’m bouncing back and forth between being just fine and debilitatingly depressed over my lack of children. I don’t really hunger to go through the experience of  pregnancy and hold an infant, I just can’t believe my life doesn’t involve children. My husband and I are hoping to adopt. He wants an infant, I want someone old enough to walk, talk and use the bathroom on their own!

So this is all about what’s inside my head on any given day. It’s not going to be profound, it may not even be interesting to anyone but me, but I’m going to do it. I never liked writing in a diary, but I love typing my thoughts so hopefully this will be an ideal “diary” format for me.

Welcome. to the inside of my head.